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His name is Chet Haze, aka Tom Hanks' son, aka Northwestern
student and certified gangsta Chet Hanks. On his tracks, he spits mad
lyrics about owning four Glocks, claims "my homie gave me this beat"
and boasts that he'll "put a ski pole in your peep hole." I don't know
if Chet Hanks is indulging in a Joaquim Phoenix-level practical joke,
but I'm not: I'm deadly serious about advancing this promising young
rapper's career. So I wrote him some fresh lyrics to spit. Ugh! Ugh!

Yo yo yo,
Chet Haze in the house
My chauffeur gave me this beat. And a ride to my therapist.

Watch out, yo, cuz I've got four Glocks
Actually I mean, I've got four clocks
So I always know when it's time to go to battle
I mean, when it's time to watch Sleepless in Seattle

Or Apollo 13, or You've Got Mail
In The Green Mile, my dad worked in a jail
Which almost makes me one step from a felon
With a trust fund, a microphone and the brain of a melon

Yeah I'm in college but I still might shoot 'ya
I'm the big dog and I'll Turner and Hooch' ya
I grew up wanting things that I couldn't afford
Like pet unicorn or a gold diving board

For my pool full of money that's the size of a truck
My dad swims around in it like Scrooge McDuck
So, yo, homie, don't even try me
I'm the biggest gangsta at our family compound in Hawaii

I'll stick a ski pole in your Schiphol, airport! That's in Amsterdam, which I visited during my semester                                                                                                                  abroad in Florence!
                                                                                                               Chet Hanks, I mean, Haze, out!