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Current Slack Lines standings:
The Improper's Nick "Double Mint" Altschuller: 23-22-1
Comcast's Rich "Juicy Fruit" Levine: 19-24-2
WEEI's  Rory "Halitosis" Duyon: 18-28

In the interest of getting our picks out before all you fellow Slackers bail on work early, we're going to skip the intro this week.  

Just know that I think Lebron James' new State Farm ad is WAY too close to the Johnny Depp death scene from Nightmare on Elm Street.

That actually might work in James' favor though, 'cause now I'm almost too scared to hate him. 

On to the picks!

Buffalo @ New England (-11.5)
With Tom Brady's left shoulder less than 100 percent and the Patriots offensive line shakier than Sam Hurd after a few eight balls, you might expect Bill Belichick to take it easy on Sunday. You know, maybe let Brady build a little lead before inserting Brian Hoyer to dink and dunk the Pats to a modest victory. 

You might expect that. But if you do, then you know nothing about Bill Belichick. 

He won't be happy until the Pats are up by 30 and Ryan Fitzpatrick's lying mangled at mid-field. And—bum shoulder be damned—you can bet he wants to see Brady break Dan Marino's old and Drew Brees' new NFL passing record. Expect a lot of throws, and many scores. Rich's pick: Patriots

NY Jets @ Miami (-2)
“Wait till we win the Super Bowl!” — Rex Ryan to Brandon Jacobs after a 29-14 loss to the Giants last week, which would have been way worse if the refs didn’t do everything in their power to keep Gang Green from getting blown out.

How long exactly should we wait, Rexy? Will Brandon Jacobs still be playing football when it happens? Do you know what needs to happen this week for your Jets to even make the playoffs? It obviously starts with a win. The Bengals have to lose to the Ravens, the Titans have to lose to the Texans, and either the Raiders have to lose to the Chargers or the Broncos must lose to the Chiefs. So just tell me, exactly how and when do you plan on winning the Super Bowl?

Why do I have this awful feeling that the Jets will find a way to back into the playoffs, beat the Texans and visit Foxboro in two weeks? Rory’s Pick: Jets

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (-3.5)
This may be the most fascinating horrible game in NFL history. With a victory, the Colts may screw themselves out of the chance to select Andrew Luck in the next year’s draft. If the Jaguars win, they’re handing their division rival the most polished quarterback prospect since Peyton Manning. In order to end their season on a high note, these teams have to potentially alter the next 10 years of their history.

This game is just going to be two teams bashing into each other for minimal gain then punting, like the NFL version of one of those ball clackers that a-hole execs keep on their desk. And it will be equally mesmerizing. Nick’s Pick: Jaguars

 Tennessee @ Houston  (+3)
The Titans can clinch a playoff spot with a:

Win AND a Cincinnati loss AND a N.Y. Jets win AND an Oakland loss or tie

Win AND a Cincinnati loss AND a N.Y. Jets win AND a Denver loss or tie

Win AND a Cincinnati loss AND a N.Y. Jets loss or tie AND an Oakland win AND a Denver win

Also, if they win or lose and the rest of the AFC (not the Pats, though!) dies in a series of horrific plane crashes. That would do it, too.

But while the Titans playoff hopes are incredibly thin, at least they have something to play for. The Texans are locked in at the three seed and will surely be resting all their starters. Oh wait, that's right. All their starters are already hurt. Rich's pick: Tennessee

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-11.5)
What the hell happened to the Buccaneers? Not only have they lost nine straight, but since October the Bucs’ only “close call” was a 23-17 loss to the Titans. Over the last nine weeks they’ve lost by an average of 17 points per game. 

Meanwhile the Falcons are desperately trying to land the five seed, which gives them a first-round playoff date in East Rutherford against a Giants team that went .500 at home or a match up with the Cowboys and Tony Romo, who transforms into Tony Banks in January. If the Falcons lose, they get the sixth seed and a trip to the Big Easy, where the Saints hung 45 points on them a week ago. Yeah, I’d say they have something to play for. Rory’s Pick: Falcons

 Kansas City @ Denver (-3)
We very rarely get a chance to toot our own horn here at Slack Lines, but I have been surprisingly prescient about two things this season.

1. As stated earlier and has been proven in the second half of the year, Matt Moore is not the worst thing to happen to quarterbacking since Jeff George's mullet.

2. As I wrote in Week 13, "Kyle Orton could return to Denver in Week 17 like Neck Beard the Conquering Hero and ruin the Bronco's season."

And now that I’m thinking of it, let me add a third point: We should really all have our own horns, ‘cause tooting the same one just doesn’t sound hygienic. 

The formerly stalwart Broncos D has given up 30.8 points per contest this month, and the Chiefs defense is looking strong, thanks to new head coach Romeo Crennel. I think Kansas City wins here, but thanks to the power of devotion, San Diego beats Oakland and keeps the Broncos in the playoffs. Tim Tebow may throw like a javelinist with an inner-ear infection, but he can throw tight spirals of prayer right into God’s ear hole. Nick’s Pick: Chiefs

San Diego @ Oakland (-3)
Oakland needs a win and a Denver loss to make the playoffs. The Chargers need nothing. Their terrible and hilarious fate has already been sealed thanks to 16 weeks of general ineptitude, bad coaching and horrible skin. 

It's fair to say that this will be Norv Turner's last game after five mediocre years on San Diego's sidelines, and it's only fitting that the Chargers send him out in the most Norv Turnerish way possible. I predict the Chargers lead this one 17-0 at the half. Final score: Raider 31, Chargers 17. Rich's pick: Raiders 

Baltimore @ Cincinnati (+2.5)
Somebody should make a football version of the movie Major League about the 2011 Cincinnati Bengals. They’re a historically bad franchise that was picked by everybody to finish dead last year in the AFC North, even below the Cleveland Browns. 

One of my favorite lines was when Harry Doyle (played by the great Bob Uecker) announced in a broadcast, “In case you haven’t noticed, and judging by the attendance, you haven’t...the Indians have managed to win a few!” 

Well, the same can be said for this year’s Bengals fans, and the players have taken notice. 

So, Cincinnati is one win away from the playoffs. The Lions have already clinched their spot. The Clippers are apparently a contender in the NBA, and the Florida Panthers are leading the NHL’s Southeast division.  

The Royals are 150 to 1 to win the American League pennant. Put me down for $100. Rory’s Pick: Bengals

Dallas @ NY Giants (-3)
I was at a bar last night, keeping an eye on the Mavericks vs. Thunder game, when all the televisions changed to the NFL Network, which was showing a replay of the Week 14 match up between Dallas and New York. It became evident that the vast majority of patrons thought this was a live Thursday Night Football game, which left those of us in the minority watching a large group of people with absolutely no sense of the right moment—a fitting description for both these teams.

Both these teams love to get expectations really high before they suplex them to the pavement. The Giants were 6-2 at one point, then proceed to lose four in a row. When they were 7-4, the Cowboys had a strong lead in the NFC East then choked it away. Now they face each other in the last week of the regular season with identical records and the division and a playoff spot on the line.

In moments like this, a strong team takes care of business at home. With history on the line, Romo buckles like a pilgrim fashion show. Which is why neither of those things is going to happen. Nick’s Pick: Cowboys

Until next week.

Email Nick at nick@improper.com
Follow the Slack Lines team on Twitter: @altschuller, @rich_levine and @roryduyon