Blogs

Current Slack Lines Standings:
The Improper’s Nick “Nitrous” Altschuller: 25-23-1
Comcast’s Rich “Valvoline” Levine: 20-26-2
WEEI’s Rory “Sugar in the Gas Tank” Duyon: 19-29-1 

The competition is getting fierce. Twelve NFL teams are left standing. Two Slack Liners are battling for my scraps. And Rich is BURYING me in Words With Friends.

(I don’t know why I play this game. I don’t particularly enjoy it, as I irrationally feel like my intellect is on the line. Losing makes me want to hammer throw a toddler into a bramble patch.)

Along with the NFL playoffs, January means I’m swimming in Pez, as I always get a sizeable supply in my Christmas stocking. I keep them in my desk and like to bite them like I’m Gary Oldman popping pills in The Professional (40 seconds in). Eating candy is even more fun when you eat it like a psychopath.

I like these calm little moments before the storm…

One note, as there are four games this weekend and three writers, we’ll all be tackling the Steelers vs. Broncos game. Points go to whoever wins their gamble, and bonus points go to whoever comes closest to predicting the final score. It will not be Rory.

On to the picks!

Cincinnati @ Houston (-3)
I spelled Cincinnati correctly on the first try. That’s never happened this entire season. Gotta be some kind of sign.

Last time these two teams met, the Bengals were up 16-3 at halftime and 19-10 entering the fourth quarter. After some lucky bounces and some tough penalty calls on Cincinnati, T.J. Yates found Kevin Walter in the end zone with two seconds left to give the Texans a 20-19 victory. As you can tell from the preceding sentence, I give them zero credit.

As great as the Texans defense is, they’re still starting a rookie quarterback who hasn’t proven himself as capable as Bengals rookie/ginger/All-Pro alternate quarterback Andy Dalton. Plus, Dalton is from Texas, so he’ll have some crowd support.

(For as big as that state is, its residents are always so impressed when it turns out someone else lives there. Legally, of course.) 

As Yates bruised his shoulder last week and star receiver Andre Johnson apparently has hamstrings made of desiccated burlap, I expect the Bengals to stack the box, try and stuff the running game and attack Yates in the hopes of getting Texan’s fourth-stringer Jake Delhomme in the game. Just one pick-six is good enough to beat the spread, and Delhomme throws turnovers like a raging baker. Nick’s Pick: Bengals

Detroit @ New Orleans (-10.5)
In the early game on Saturday, T.J. Yates and Andy Dalton will become the first pair of rookie quarterbacks to square off in a playoff game. In this one, Drew Brees and Matthew Stafford become the first pair of 5,000-yard passers to butt heads in the postseason. Of course, 10 years from now, this won’t be a big deal. By then, 10,000 yards a season will be the norm, touchdown totals will be up in the 70s and Dan Marino will be looked upon as a modern day Y.A. Tittle. But on Saturday, it's history.

I know the Saints kicked the Lions’ ass in Week 13, but that was a dark time for Detroit—fresh off their Thanksgiving embarrassment against Green Bay, in the middle of a crap storm of criticism regarding their unsportsmanlike play, and without Ndamukong Suh in the lineup. Sure, the Saints were, and are, great, but they also caught the Lions on a bad day.

Detroit won’t win on Saturday, but they’ll be better. Rich’s Pick: Lions

Atlanta @ NY Giants (-3)
The Falcons worked their way into the postseason with the quietest 10-6 run I’ve ever seen. They weren’t great, yet it somehow seemed inevitable that they would make the playoffs while still posing no threat to the Saints for the division. Aside from Tony Gonzalez breaking the NFL career record for most receptions by a guy not named Jerry Rice, not a whole lot happened with the Dirty Birds.

Although they have been in the headlines lately, as both the Giants and Lions told the media the Atlanta o-line plays dirty. Still not a huge deal, because when Justin Tuck and Ndamukong Suh bitch and moan about their opponents, you just sort of roll your eyes and ignore it. It’s sort of like how “The Situation” continues to bring up how he hooked up with Snooki on the Jersey Shore even though she was with her boyfriend Jionni at the time. Dude, we don’t even care if you’re telling the truth anymore, just give it a rest.

(Crap…did I just admit in print to watching The Jersey Shore? Quick, change the subject!!)

But seriously, you guys, can that Victor Cruz guy play, or what?  He went to UMass, you know.

(Perfect.)

I’d love to see the Giants go home on Sunday, but with Osi Umenyiora back into the fold and the Giants offense clicking, a 2007-like run really wouldn’t shock me. Rory’s Pick: Giants

Pittsburgh @ Denver (+8.5)

Nick
This game is coming down to turnovers. In his first six starts, Tim Tebow only had two turnovers. In his last five, he’s got 10. James Harrison is so scary that during a Sunday Night Football telecast I dropped a handful dishes after he shouted that he went to KENT STATE! So I think Tebow is coughing up at least one fumble.

Roethlisberger is limping, but he just has to stay upright long enough to bomb some passes to Mike Wallace. If the Steeler grab a lead bigger than 10, the Broncos are screwed. Nick’s Pick: Steelers; Steelers 23, Broncos 13

Rich
Tim Tebow can't beat a defense as imposing as the Steelers, and the Broncos can't consistently stop an offense that dependable, even if Pittsburgh's without Rashard Mendenhall and 100 percent of Big Ben.

That being said, this will still be a relatively close game, thanks to the Mile High crowd and a little bit of Tebow Magic. But in the end, there's no question as to who will come out on top. No question at all. 

(Except from Big Ben in the postgame locker room: "Hey guys, does it still count as the Mile High Club if it's assault?”) Rich's pick: Broncos; Steelers 31, Broncos 23

Rory
Though it makes me sad to see the way Tebow has come crashing down to earth since the Patriots loss, I am able to find a silver lining: ESPN’s token ass-clown, Skip Bayless, will have to eat crow, and in a perfect world, he’s be eating a lot worse than that. Vulture, maybe.

The Broncos aren’t going to score a lot of points in this game, but I’m not sure if Pittsburgh will either. They follow a hobbled Ben Roethlisberger into one if the toughest road stadiums to play in the NFL. Pick: Broncos; Steelers 14, Broncos 6

Until next week.

Email Nick at nick@improper.com
Follow the Slack Lines team on Twitter: @altschuller, @rich_levine and @roryduyon