Blogs

Current Slack Lines Standings:
The Improper’s Nick “Red Bull” Altschuller: 25-25-1
Comcast’s Rich “Diet Mountain Dew” Levine: 20-28-3
WEEI’s Rory “Chamomile Tea” Duyon: 21-30

Rich does actually drink a lot of Diet Dew. I think he keeps that entire product line in business. The only people that drink that swill are Rich and the rare meth addict looking to drop a few pounds.

Speaking of Rich’s problems, I gotta run and we don’t have Rich’s picks yet. I’ll put them in later, so make sure to check in. Same format as last week, so let’s move… 

On to the picks!

New Orleans @ San Francisco (+3.5)
Who would have thought that a healthy 13-3 team would be GIVING points at home in the divisional playoff round?

That’s what we have here with the second best scoring offense in the NFL against the best defense in the NFL in regards to points allowed. The Saints have dropped 40+ on four straight opponents, and they look virtually unstoppable. Last week, they somehow they racked up 626 yards of offense.

On the other sideline is Alex Smith. In an age where you win Super Bowls by putting up gaudy numbers through the air—see Rodgers, Brees, Roethlisberger, E. Manning, P. Manning, Brady—Smith is out to prove what Mark Sanchez tried to prove last year. Even 11 years after Trent Dilfer rode the Ravens defense to a championship, it’s still possible to start a terrible quarterback and win.

It’s also worth mentioning that in the Saints last four games, three were at home and all were in a dome. When playing indoors this season, the Saints are 11-1, while scoring 38.6 points per game. When playing outdoors, they’re 3-2, scoring 25.8 points a game. The only team they scored over 30 against outdoors was the defensively challenged Packers. Meanwhile, they scored 20 against the Bucs and 23 against the Jaguars. We might be onto something here. Rory’s Pick: 49ers

Denver @ New England (-13.5)
Last week, Tebow completed an 80-yard touchdown pass on the first offensive play of overtime. He ended the game with a passing total of 316. (Maybe you heard that story once or twice.) I’m thinking the Mile High Messiah shot his wad, ‘cause it’s impossible to perform more Jesusy than that.

To incite even more Tebow Mania, he’d have to turn all the Gatorade on the sideline into wine. Tebow would need to be sacked to death in the opening series, only to return three quarters later to lead the Broncos to victory. In order for the media to be even more in love with this guy, during the post-game handshakes, Tebow would need to exorcise Belichick of the demons that make him such a sourpuss. 

[scene: Middle of Gillete Stadium, Tebow extends his righteous hand to Belichick]

 “Grumblemumble, nice game, choir boy, grumblemumble, Grumblemumble, GRUMBLEMUMBLE AAAHHH……….”

[Belichick drops to the field. The crowd grows silent. Slowly, Belichick picks himself up and grabs the mike from the nearest referee.]

“Hey, everybody! We’re all going to get laid!”

[Crowd goes wild]

Never going to happen. Nick’s Pick: Patriots

NY Giants @ Green Bay (-7.5)

Rory
It’s a little scary how much this Giants squad reminds me of the 2007 team that went all the way to the Super Bowl. You might remember, they played the Patriots tough for a half, but then Tom Petty gave the best halftime show performance ever, and the teams decided that was a good note to go out, so everybody went home. Yup, that’s what happened.

Eli Manning just finished the best season of his career, and that Big Blue defense is getting healthy and hot at just the right time. The secondary is still a big question, but when you get to the quarterback in 0.3 seconds, Nick, Rich and I could come away with some picks…ok, maybe not Nick. 
[Editor’s note: It’s true. I have the motor skills of a three-toed sloth.]
Rory’s Pick: Giants; Giants 28, Packers 27

Nick
It’s good to see a UMass grad making it big in the NFL, but Giant’s wideout Victor Cruz needs a new touchdown dance. Salsa just isn’t intimidating. It’d be like if Jordy Nelson scored a touchdown, then whipped a pear out from his jockstrap and started painting a still life. No cornerback sees Cruz dancing and thinks “Damn! His hips are on fire! What can I do against machismo like that?”

Unless Cruz is thinking two moves ahead. Maybe he knows that his opponent’s wives are all watching, and that as soon as they get home they’ll be informed that they’ve been signed up for dance lessons and asked “Why don’t we do anything romantic anymore?” Ugh, that is the worst. Cruz is attacking the opposition right where they live. Diabolical. Nick’s Pick: Giants; Packers 34, Giants 27

Until next week.

Email Nick at nick@improper.com
Follow the Slack Lines team on Twitter: @altschuller, @rich_levine and @roryduyon