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Photo Credit: Brian Steele

Tired of running, lifting weights and eating sensibly? You should be, because conventional workouts only scratch the surface of what your body can do. If you want to maximize the return on your effort, you need to drop the zombie routine and try my new fitness regimen, P80Y-Fit. Never before has a workout incorporated so many unconventional ideas to such wonderful effect. I’ve unlocked the body’s potential, and from now on all other forms of exercise will be a waste of time. 

My system is loosely related to P90X, but you only do the P part for 80 days, which leaves you 10 days to CrossFit, thus stacking your gains. The program is gaining a celebrity following, most notably a politician you may have heard of. When this esteemed legislator gets in the shower, the water sounds like BBs bouncing off cold rolled steel. Ping! Ping! Ping! That’s what happens when you have .02 percent body fat. I’m not supposed to say who it is, but it’s Nancy Pelosi.

If you want to get the detailed workout, you’ll need to buy my P80Y-Fit package, which is available online. (For silly legal reasons, delivery will require a Mexican P.O. box.) But I’ll give you some highlights right now, just to whet your appetite for the workout of your life.

Day 1, we begin with the adductor machine. Pick it up. Carry it to the nearest freeway overpass, and throw it onto a moving flatbed truck. Get the truck’s license plate because you’ll need that later. Go in the back door of your gym, and say you saw a guy with a flatbed truck steal the adductor machine. Later, you’ll fight this truck driver in prison, thus completing your workout. But that’s not ’til Day 73. For now, just help file the police report. Then eat the police report. Now you’re not hungry because you’ve fiber-loaded some paleo-trition.

Day 2, post a Facebook photo of yourself doing your P80Y-Fit workout. You should be making the ugliest face possible, so that everyone knows how serious you are about shredding your metabolism and increasing your delts with max reps of muscle shock. When the pic is taken, you’ll be winning a tug-of-war against a team of oxen, because you’re in Day 2 of P80Y-Fit, and you’re already as strong as five Neanderthals. Make this your profile photo, too, or we’ll kick you out of the cul—I mean, program.

Day 3 is all about muscle confusion. Swim to Prince Edward Island, and find some bivalves. Blindfold them, and throw them in a van. Drive in circles, and let them out in the woods. Result: total mussel confusion. Now that you’ve learned about homophones, it’s time for your workout, which consists of 15 jumping jacks. Your muscles will be like, “What, that’s it?” Muscle confusion attained. Congratulations, you’re now as strong as six ostriches.

Day 4 you enter my proprietary, winner-take-all cross-blast race with other area P80Y-Fit’ers. It’s called Tough Death Hike Mortal Challenge, and it’s a lot of fun for everyone. First you climb a tall rope wall and grab a flag at the top. (Other teams will try to steal this flag, as will the feral dogs I’ve stationed at the top of the wall.) Slide down the other side onto the electrified barbed-wire tightrope, which you have to cross in order to reach the Hallway Where You Get Kicked by Horses. After a quick swim through the quicksand and blasting a tunnel through a granite mountain, you’ll only have to get past the riot police to claim your spot on the podium. The winner receives a stern reprimand from a German prostitute.

On Day 5 you go for a run while holding an unlikely object above your head. This can be an old tire, but we prefer it to be a cage full of skunks. The cage is wired with a sensitive altimeter—if you drop it below shoulder-height, an alarm will sound and scare the skunks. Motivation can’t always come from within.

Obviously, you shouldn’t attempt this exercise inside the gym. You should go find a busy sidewalk and do it there, so that the maximum number of passersby can see what you’re up to and thus question the validity of their own workout routines. Due to the popularity of my program, many of the other people on the sidewalk will be fellow P80Y-Fit participants, so try to respect their workouts and stay out of the way if you encounter someone dragging a crate of onions behind a recumbent bicycle. You’ll get there yourself on Day 19.

So what happens when you complete the program? Well, I’m already working on P80Y-Fit Pro, which will include guano smoothies and Philates, a combination of pilates and light sparring with Dr. Phil. The formula came to me during a séance with Jack LaLanne. Now let’s go get our ab workout by laughing at the people on the elliptical machines.