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BY EZRA DYER 

Photo Credit: Mihajlo Maricic

We at Ezrariffic Industries would like to clarify the statements that recently appeared in an interview with our company’s CEO, Mr. Ezra Dyer. Those statements reflect Mr. Dyer’s opinions and are not necessarily the positions of Ezrariffic Productions, E-Riffic Worldwide International or any of its subsidiaries (Tastee Dragon Fortune Cookie Paper, Tuber-’N’-Luber French Fries and 15-minute Oil Changes, and Smokey Robinson’s Tears of a Clown Eye Drops).

During last week’s interview, Mr. Dyer stated that people with beards “should be rounded up and shaved. Every time a guy orders an artisanal cocktail with hand-chipped ice, he should get a Gillette Fusion to stir it with, until we no longer look like a bunch of damn ZZ Top lumberjacks up in here.” Our corporation appreciates the business of our hirsute customers and will continue to serve them with courtesy and respect, as exemplified by the new hate-free zones in our retail locations, where both customers and employees will be prohibited from making Grizzly Adams references or using offensive terms such as “flavor-saver.”

After Mr. Dyer’s beard comment—in fact in the very next sentence—he made statements that may have been interpreted as defamatory to another North American minority group, Canadians. The ensuing boycott by the American Association of Canadians was keenly felt. As a company, we do not believe that Canadians “come here and take all our hockey jobs and run around all hopped up on the maple syrup.” In fact, many of our own employees are Canadian-American, and as such are exempt from the corporate no-headgear policy, so they may work in peace while wearing their traditional Mountie hats. To demonstrate our tolerance, maple syrup is now dispensed in our restrooms, since it is our understanding that Canadians like to wash their hands in it.

Next, we’d like to apologize to Roomba vacuum cleaners. We understand that they work OK, actually, on a wood floor or a carpet with a very low nap. You know, so long as you don’t have pets. For Mr. Dyer to say that Roombas are “as useful as a sick kitten” was uncalled for. In fact, a Roomba is more like a promising child who never lives up to his or her full potential. We’d just like to get this apology on the record, in preparation for the day when Roombas become sentient. Remember, we seek only peace.

Later in the interview, our CEO also made statements hurtful to fans of dubstep, which he called, “the first genre of music whose only creative goal is to annoy your parents.” He then added, “Why don’t I just come over to your house and play Atari 2600 with the TV turned up really loud?” Over pleas that he stop talking, Mr. Dyer continued, “Remember the guy from Police Academy who could make all the crazy noises with his mouth? He could just go ‘bleep bloop blomp waaa waaa waaa’ and be the top dubstep DJ in the world.”

We understand that these statements led to an unnecessary public controversy which drew attention away from our company’s core products and mission, and also incited Skrillex to write a protest song called “Bleep Bleep Ga-na-na-na Fzzzzzzz.” Please understand that on a corporate level, we embrace fans of all types of music, even those who still choose to dress up like Kiss.

Hopefully, by now, you understand that our CEO is an outspoken individual whose personal views aren’t always in synch with our corporate positions. So we’ll just bundle up one collective apology to the following groups: people who draw out the word “awkward,” people who post nothing but political stuff on Facebook, men who wear skinny jeans and people who reconstruct their pre-security-screening travel ensembles right there on the other side of the X-ray machine. As Mr. Dyer pointed out, that’s what those benches are for, only 20 feet away. But he didn’t have to call you the name that he did, the first part of which rhymes with “bird” and the second part of which is “face.” The ensuing firestorm of protests crippled our operations at several locations, as doors were blocked by people holding a laptop and wearing one shoe and half a belt.

Of course, we all wish our CEO could go back in time and decline that now-infamous interview with Wooden Boat Magazine. But all we can do is move forward, providing products and services that improve the quality of life for the American people. We hope you’ll keep patronizing our business, whether you’re looking for low-asbestos cigarettes, Snake-Brake python leashes or Muzzle Charms decorative gun-barrel stoppers. As for our CEO, he’ll be refraining from public interviews from now on, although you can still follow him on Twitter @ImmigrantsAreRuiningAmerica. Happy shopping!