John D. Spooner is an investment adviser, author and novelist. His most recent book is the Boston Globe number-one best-seller No One Ever Told Us That, a collection of letters with life lessons for his grandchildren. Here, he responds to queries from advice seekers of all ages. Send your conundrums to thedance@improper.com.

This is a tough one. Years ago, there were medical specialties that made it impossible to get an appointment—usually podiatry and dermatology. I would call a dermatologist’s office, say, on March 1. Then I’d be told, “The doctor can see you May 4.” To me, this is inexcusable. So, for a long time, whenever the screener said, “What’s the nature of your symptom?” I would say, “I don’t really have a symptom. I’m calling about the doctor’s emotional future.” There would always be a pause at the other end of the line, and I could see the thought balloon over the person’s head that probably said, “Gee… maybe it’s the doctor’s psychiatrist. I’d better pass along the message.” Invariably I’d get a call back from the curious doctor, who’d laugh and say, “We have an opening tomorrow at 2.” It’s amazing how many times this has worked. I simply made a doctor curious and separated myself from the usual patients seeking an appointment.

Another technique I’ve successfully used over the years is to seek information about the doctor’s hobbies or interests. Now with Google, it’s so easy to find information. Then I leave a message with the gatekeeper and say, “Please tell the doctor that I have a special take on bird watching that the doctor should know.” When the doctor would call, curious about what I knew, he’d say, “I’m intrigued. What do you know about birds?” I’d say, “I knew if I mentioned your interest in ornithology, I’d get an appointment that wasn’t six months away.” Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Well, I suppose no good deed goes unpunished. If I had volunteered to help a friend move, I would offer to pay for the broken window. But I would also expect my friend to say, “No, of course not. Don’t even think about it.” If it was my apartment, the moving process is always such a pain in the butt that I would fully expect something to add to the pain, like a chair breaking, or something getting stolen without my noticing until a month later. But I would assume responsibility and pay for the window, grateful for a friend’s help.

You could also check to see if your friend has homeowners’ insurance to cover it. If your friend does, I would definitely offer to pay.

I often shake my fist selfishly when people needing the therapy your friend requires suck all the oxygen out of the room. But then I think how much better it is to have the strong shoulders than to be the needy one. His job status and health are his major issues, and the former might be the most important thing. Health often suffers when you’re depressed and wondering “What’s my future?” and “Can I put food on the table?”

It might help both of you to concentrate on his resume and his network of other friends and contacts who might lead to work. But you should also know there are some people you cannot save from themselves. If your friend’s problems become endless, you may lose a friend and regain a certain sanity.

No, you’re not going nuts. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you’ve been nuts, probably all your adult life. But at least you’ll never be boring. We live in an increasingly anonymous society of 320 million Americans. And growing. You should strike out against the one-size-fits-all. It sounds like you’re doing a good job of that. So keep fighting the good fight to keep the standards up—even though it’s probably a losing battle. Have a great day.


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