The Reel Winners

One thing you can always count on is that the Academy Awards will get everything wrong.

This year, like so many others, the omissions were more notable than the nominations. In preparation for the March 2 ceremony, we’ve compiled a handy list of oversights.

Best Performance by a Screen Legend Suffering Horribly While on a Boat
Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips. I don’t know what else a guy needs to do to get an Oscar nomination, but damn.

Second Best Performance by a Screen Legend Suffering Horribly While on a Boat
Robert Redford, All Is Lost. See above.

Breast Supported Actress
Amy Adams, American Hustle. The side-boob slideshow offered by her plunging necklines must’ve busted the budget on double-sided tape.

Most Acting
Meryl Streep, August: Osage County. Special commendation for the tireless set-department workers who had to scrub her teethmarks off the scenery between every take.

Best Silly Character Name
Idris Elba as Stacker Pentecost in Pacific Rim.

Worst Silly Character Name
Will Smith as Cypher Raige in After Earth.

Most Marketing
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. Not to say that Will Ferrell and company were ubiquitous this past December, but when Emerson College announced it was renaming one of its schools the Ron Burgundy School of Communication, the entire cast followed me into the bathroom of a Tremont Street bar and tried to sell me a Dodge Durango.

Least Amount of Suspense
Wondering if there would be a lousy new Bono song in Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom.

Cleverest Post-Production Dubbing to Obtain a PG-13 Rating
Lee Daniels’ The Butler, for having somebody off screen drop a bin of silverware with a clattering crash every time Cuba Gooding Jr. said something filthy. That’s one klutzy White House.

Most Awkward Post-Movie Conversation
Having to explain what exactly Leonardo DiCaprio was doing with that cocaine in the beginning of The Wolf of Wall Street.

Worst Robert De Niro Impersonation
Christian Bale, American Hustle. Runners up: Robert De Niro, Grudge Match; Robert De Niro, American Hustle.

Related Articles

Comments are closed.