This is the time of year when cabin fever can really set in. After the months of snow emergencies and parking bans and packs of bloodthirsty wolves roaming the city hunting humans, the last gasp of winter can really get you down. Fortunately, this season has allowed me to gather some advice on how to stay sane during a snow day—or several.
First, you should get some exercise, so go outside and throw snowballs at your house. Then throw snowballs at your car. If you have a boat in your driveway, climb inside and pretend you’re Ernest Shackleton or the captain of a Russian nuclear icebreaker. Is that a polar bear out on the tundra? Brandish a harpoon to frighten him away! Especially because he’s one of those smart polar bears who wears a U.S. Postal Service outfit and delivers your mail. Arrrr! Scared him down to the next house, we did.
Since you’ve got some free time, you should try some neat experiments. Like, what happens if you put shampoo on your dry hair and then stick your head under the shower? I’ll tell you what: instant lather. I’m doing it this way from now on.
Did you get eggs, bread and milk before this latest storm? Good. Now you can make your famous milky bready eggs. Mmm-mmm. They’re a real crowd pleaser. Remember that the recipe also calls for star anise, so if you don’t have that you’ll need to resort to cannibalism. If you have a dinner party, serve coffee in clear cups just to mess with everyone. Coffee in a clear cup? This guy plays by nobody’s rules but his own.
You’ve probably got some board games, so this is the time to break them out. Then put them right back away, because you got those board games at Spencer’s Gifts, and they’re really not appropriate to this scenario. Why are you even having a PTA meeting right now anyway?
Assuming your power didn’t get knocked out when the wolves chewed down the power lines, go on the Internet and search for last-minute travel deals. Oh, $88 to Miami! Of course, that’s from Akron, so you’d need to get there first. And it’s only $209 for a flight to San Diego, with an overnight layover hostage situation in Mexico City, not valid Wednesday through Monday. Book by dinnertime for travel no earlier than the next harvest moon. Tempting.
Hey, let’s look at some photos from summer. They might be confusing at first, as you wonder why you wore such a strange snowsuit at the beach. Then you’ll remember that those half-snowpants are called shorts and that thin little coat is called a T-shirt. You still have them somewhere, amazingly enough. Maybe you should have a theme party where guests wear such clothes ironically and laugh about how people used to really dress like that, way back when. Look at me, I’m wearing sunblock and flip-flops and listening to “Blurred Lines.” Lame.
Here’s another idea: Get some green spray paint, go outside and coat the snow with that lush, verdant hue you haven’t seen in months. As a bonus, you’ll likely have green snow for St. Patrick’s Day. Then you’ll become better friends with the guy next door. You think he might be Irish based on that time you got his mail, which was addressed to Seamus O’Leprechaun.
If the latest storm is exceptionally bad, you should think about helping out your neighbors. Does the old lady next door need her walkway shoveled? After you’re done thinking about that, binge-watch the entire first season of House of Cards. Then let me know how it is, because I can’t get past the first couple episodes.
One upshot of cold weather is that you get to enjoy being cozy. I like to put on my favorite tuxedo, go outside and stand on one leg under a drippy gutter. By the time I stagger in, cramped, itchy and hypothermic, I really enjoy a cup of hot chocolate that much more. Another trick is to take your favorite fleece blanket, throw it in the dryer and then crawl under the kitchen table to practice air-raid drills, as cliche as that sounds.
Snow is challenging, but it can also be inspirational. Try gazing outside at the dreamy white whitescape and compose a song about it. Then name yourself MC Robert Frost Heave and release your mixtape in Sweden, where they’ll listen to anything. After you’re famous in Sweden, use your royalty money to buy a bus ticket to Akron, so you can take advantage of that $88 fare to Miami.
Finally, just keep on keeping on. What does that mean? I don’t know because I’m suffering from snow blindness and frostbite and blood loss from the wolf attack. But spring is right around the corner, or my name isn’t Seamus O’Leprechaun.