In the course of my job, I regularly peek into the lifestyles of people with massive disposable income—you know, the people who fly their Ferraris over to China for a track day, or who nonchalantly bought two 50-inch plasma TVs back when that was a $40,000 investment. As such, I’ve developed a well-honed sense of which luxury baubles I’ll require should I suddenly acquire the means to buy my own island (and not one that’s some dumb frozen rock in Maine—I mean a cool Richard Branson one). Specifically, I know which machines I’ll be cramming into my aircraft hangar. And they’re not cars.
Sure, cars can be luxurious. But I’ve driven everything, and the difference between a $2 million Bugatti and a $20,000 Golf is simply a matter of degree. Either way, it’s a car, and you won’t get very far if you drive it into a lake. (Which, a few years back, one Bugatti driver famously learned firsthand. It’s OK; I’ll wait while you go to YouTube.) Now, an Argo 8×8? That thing can plunge into a lake and keep right on going. And that’s what luxury really means—attaining the ability, Iron Man-style, to do things that you have no business doing. Like riding a jet board. Or crushing a car with a tank. Or taking off from the East River and soaring above the gridlock outside Manhattan on your way out to Montauk. With that in mind, here are 10 luxury machines to make you glad you bought that Powerball ticket all by yourself and not with your dumb co-workers.
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Up in Maine, the Pemaquid lobster boat races include a class called “fastest lobster boat afloat.” I’ve always wanted to go up there with a boat that clearly violates the spirit of the rules, a Miami go-fast with a trap hauler strapped to the side to render it a “lobster boat.” Well, Cigarette now makes center-console fishing boats that could actually haul a fair load of traps, if you were demented enough to have a sternman onboard instead of the standard-issue bikini ladies. Out of Biscayne Bay, I helmed a new 41′ GTR—equipped with four 400-horsepower Mercury Racing outboards and slated for delivery to the Sultan of Johor—that maxed out at about 80 mph, which would definitely be enough to take the checkered flag in Pemaquid. But since money is no object, I might go for the new SD GT3, which packs 1,110-horsepower twin-turbo V8s. I drove that one, too, but did not max it out, because that boat just set the center-console speed record at 104 mph. Just think of how fresh those lobsters would be.
Not-So-Free Rides
By Ezra Dyer | Photo Credit: Doug Voisin | Dec. 9, 2016
In the course of my job, I regularly peek into the lifestyles of people with massive disposable income—you know, the people who fly their Ferraris over to China for a track day, or who nonchalantly bought two 50-inch plasma TVs back when that was a $40,000 investment. As such, I’ve developed a well-honed sense of which luxury baubles I’ll require should I suddenly acquire the means to buy my own island (and not one that’s some dumb frozen rock in Maine—I mean a cool Richard Branson one). Specifically, I know which machines I’ll be cramming into my aircraft hangar. And they’re not cars.
Sure, cars can be luxurious. But I’ve driven everything, and the difference between a $2 million Bugatti and a $20,000 Golf is simply a matter of degree. Either way, it’s a car, and you won’t get very far if you drive it into a lake. (Which, a few years back, one Bugatti driver famously learned firsthand. It’s OK; I’ll wait while you go to YouTube.) Now, an Argo 8×8? That thing can plunge into a lake and keep right on going. And that’s what luxury really means—attaining the ability, Iron Man-style, to do things that you have no business doing. Like riding a jet board. Or crushing a car with a tank. Or taking off from the East River and soaring above the gridlock outside Manhattan on your way out to Montauk. With that in mind, here are 10 luxury machines to make you glad you bought that Powerball ticket all by yourself and not with your dumb co-workers.
The Cigarette Racing 41’ GTR
Up in Maine, the Pemaquid lobster boat races include a class called “fastest lobster boat afloat.” I’ve always wanted to go up there with a boat that clearly violates the spirit of the rules, a Miami go-fast with a trap hauler strapped to the side to render it a “lobster boat.” Well, Cigarette now makes center-console fishing boats that could actually haul a fair load of traps, if you were demented enough to have a sternman onboard instead of the standard-issue bikini ladies. Out of Biscayne Bay, I helmed a new 41′ GTR—equipped with four 400-horsepower Mercury Racing outboards and slated for delivery to the Sultan of Johor—that maxed out at about 80 mph, which would definitely be enough to take the checkered flag in Pemaquid. But since money is no object, I might go for the new SD GT3, which packs 1,110-horsepower twin-turbo V8s. I drove that one, too, but did not max it out, because that boat just set the center-console speed record at 104 mph. Just think of how fresh those lobsters would be.
By Ezra Dyer
The Argo Avenger 8×8 LX
The Argo isn’t particularly fast (top speed: about 25 mph), but it is unstoppable. With eight-wheel drive and a watertight hull, the Argo can drive right into a lake and, churning its octet of paddle tires, swim to the other side. It’s just the thing for upscale duck hunters or people with moats. There’s a stereo and a USB jack, so you can rock out and charge your phone while fording the Swan Pond, but beware that you’re limited to about 4 mph in the water. So if you drop into a current that’s flowing faster than that, you’d better have a plan for crawling out downstream. However, if you intend to heckle the scullers out on the Charles, you can also fit an outboard to the back to add some giddyup in aquatic mode. It’s like having your own duck boat, minus the chipper narration.
By Ezra Dyer | Photo Credit: American Eagle / GoRVing.com
The American Coach American Eagle
Once I can afford a $700,000 RV, I’ll also be hiring someone to drive it. Because, as you might imagine, there’s a little bit of a learning curve when you jump behind the wheel of a 45-foot behemoth like this. Oh, she cruises down the highway with the greatest of ease. But parking will cause you to develop hypertension and possibly break out in hives. Once you’re set up, though, you’ll conclude that this is the way road-tripping should be done. The sides of the living room power out, as does the bedroom, transforming the Eagle from a road-going dreadnaught to a very nice one-bedroom, one-and-a-half-bath apartment. You’ve got a full granite-and-stainless-steel kitchen, a tiled shower with a skylight and TVs everywhere (including outside, for tailgating). There’s even a washer and dryer and, should your travels take you off the grid, a generator tucked in the nose, where its noise won’t disturb your slumber way back yonder in the master suite.
By Ezra Dyer
The Sabertooth WildCat
Many a motorcyclist subscribes to the notion that no bike is ever powerful enough. These people are insane, because a Vespa is powerful enough. Nonetheless, Sabertooth builds motorcycles that are essentially giant car engines with handlebars. I rode one, the WildCat, in the Blue Hills a few years back, and it remains one of the least-serene trips to the Blue Hills that anyone’s experienced. The WildCat is 350 horsepower with a seat, and it’s just the starting point—you can get bigger engines and turbos. And why not? You’re not getting life insurance anymore anyway. I can’t claim that I fully exercised the WildCat, but its defining trait is a disjunction between speed and the apparent work exerted by the machine. On a Ducati, a rip from 40 mph to 70 mph would be accompanied by a frantic high-rpm bellow. On the WildCat, you zap yourself to outrageous speeds without the bike sounding like it’s even trying. Because it’s not. Sometimes you need to really test your own mettle, and taking a ride on one of these is way easier than base-jumping from the edge of space.
By Ezra Dyer
The Unicat
You know the problem with yachts—they don’t go on land. Such a bummer, because what’s inshore past Monaco? Nobody knows. But with a Unicat you can find out. The idea is, deliver yacht-like living quarters atop a truck that you can drive across the Sahara desert. Dinner with the Maasai? That’s happened during a Unicat trek. These days, the company bases its trucks on European chassis, but the one I drove outside Vegas was built on an International 4×4 of the type that National Grid would use to access some wicked remote power lines. But instead of a bucket on the back, it had a cabin outfitted with marine-grade equipment, like cabinets that stay closed even when you’re tilted at a crazy angle. Think of the possibilities, like flyboarding with the Maasai. Or you could just park it on Newbury Street. What are they gonna do, tow you?
By Ezra Dyer | Photo Credit: Hugh Llewelyn
Tanks
Yes, you’re allowed to own tanks. I mean, it makes sense: It’s just a bulldozer with a gun on it, and you could make one of those yourself if you wanted. I have it on good authority that a gentleman in the Metro West area has quite an arsenal of tracked military vehicles, but the tanks I drove were out in Minnesota at a place imaginatively named Drive A Tank. After acclimating myself with a cheerful little tank, an Abbot (technically a piece of self-propelled artillery, but your neighbors won’t know the difference), I graduated to the real deal, a 60-ton British Chieftain main battle tank. Peering out through the hatch, I lined up a white Chevy Malibu and hit the throttle. I can tell you definitively that a Malibu is no match for a Chieftain, although you want to stop before you’re all the way across because the smooshed car will ride up around the back and, I don’t know, scratch your tank.
By Ezra Dyer
The Zapata Racing Flyboard, aka Jet Boots
Until we all have our own drone jetpacks (which might be sooner than we think), the Flyboard is the best way to soar boldly into the grand tomorrow. Or, more likely, to plunge headfirst into the imperfect today. By which I mean, it takes a little while to develop your Flyboard skills. The device itself is basically a wakeboard attached to a fire hose and equipped with water nozzles on either end. The other end of the hose is connected to a personal watercraft (oh yes, you’ll need a Sea-Doo, Jet Ski or the like), its thrust redirected to the Flyboard nozzles. As the rider on the Jet Ski hits the throttle (or you do, with a remote control), water shoots down from the nozzles and you shoot skyward. Once you get your balance, you can ride around carving turns in the sky, flipping loops or just hovering 20 feet above the water like a total boss. The Flyboard starts at around $4,500, but you can also find places that rent them and offer lessons. Take the lessons.
By Ezra Dyer
The Cessna Caravan Amphibian
I did not, technically, fly the Caravan out of the East River, bank over the Williamsburg Bridge and set a course for Montauk while gazing down at the clogged artery of the Long Island Expressway. But I was sitting in the co-pilot’s seat, with the yoke in front of me, looking over at the pilot and hoping that he’d had a recent physical and wasn’t having a bad day of any sort. Fortunately, he was fine, which gave me time to contemplate the awesomeness of a seaplane. There we were, amid some of the suckiest traffic on the East Coast, and none of that was relevant. The river was our runway, and a drive that takes more than two hours (under ideal circumstances) was dispatched in about 40 minutes. Now, is it unnerving to see an oar mounted on an airplane? Definitely. Did I think we were going to crash into Brooklyn at 80 mph at an altitude of six inches? Sure. But we didn’t, so now I want a seaplane. I know of one fellow who bought one because he has a dock and his neighborhood banned helicopters. Take that, HOA!
By Ezra Dyer | Photo Credit: Wayne Davis Photography
The Can-Am Maverick X3 X RS
Since my Powerball plans will undoubtedly involve purchasing a swath of land the size of Wyoming (or perhaps actually Wyoming), I’ll need a vehicle capable of traversing unpaved terrain at high speeds. And right now, the X3—dreamt up by our northern neighbors at BRP in Quebec—is the closest thing to an off-the-shelf race buggy. It’s got two feet of suspension travel and a turbocharged triple-cylinder engine, a combo that allowed me to truly terrify myself down in Baja a few months back. Behind the wheel of the X3, you just get used to driving Mach 8 over everything. For instance, imagine traffic on I-90 backed up so bad that every car was touching every other car. Now imagine driving over the top of that mess at 60 mph. OK, I don’t think you could really do that in an X3. But I’m not 100 percent sure you couldn’t.
By Ezra Dyer | Photo Credit: John Linn
The Polaris Slingshot
Nothing says “I’m rich and don’t care who knows it” quite like a three-wheeled, open-cockpit two-seater that looks like Dark Knight fan fiction on wheels. The funny thing is, the outrageous Slingshot doesn’t actually cost that much, with a base price in line with that of a sensible Honda Accord. With a modest GM four-cylinder under the hood, the Slingshot isn’t actually that fast, but going fast isn’t the point. The point is to make everyone look at you, all the time. This thing gets more attention than a Lamborghini, but since it’s technically a motorcycle (three wheels!), you’re supposed to wear a helmet when you drive it. Which means that, like Batman, you’ll retain your anonymity. At least until you cross the New Hampshire border.
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