March 03, 2011 By Ezra Dyer

Setting: A Legal Seafoods bar. Time: Night. We see a man approach the bar. He's wearing a very handsome sweater. It's dark at the bar (remember: night) but he's not worried, because he brought a flashlight to read the menu. And not just one of those little credit-card ones that come free when you order a Sham-Wow. This guy has a big, yellow, D-battery monster of a flashlight. Which means that he planned ahead. Before he left his house, he thought, "Well, it's going to be dark at that bar, which will make it hard to read the menu. Guess I'd better bring my giant flashlight." And then he boldly breaks that sucker out right at the bar. He doesn't care what anyone thinks. Yeah, I brought my big yellow flashlight to Legal Seafoods. What of it? 

I love this guy, because I aspire to reach this level of not giving a crap what other people think. I'm not there yet. I couldn't see the menu either, so I just yelled out foods until they had something that I said. Tell you what, I wish I'd thought of "clam chowder" sooner than 127th.